5 Lessons My Parents Taught Me About Love & Marriage

“Parents are not perfect nor are they saints. Dads and moms make mistakes all the time.  How you handle all these situations will be an important life lesson for your children.” –Bethany Bridges

My Mama and Papa aren’t perfect.  Their relationship has flaws and there were many challenges along the way.  But despite their imperfections, they had provided me a strong and stable foundation for my character. They have taught me invaluable lessons about love and marriage ; lessons I will try to apply to my own marriage so it will also last.

This month my parents are celebrating their 41^st wedding anniversary and to celebrate it from miles away, I thought I’d use this platform to honour them.  I thought of sharing nuggets of wisdom my parents taught me about love and marriage.

Real love is not a fairy tale.

As much as we want our love life to be real-life version of those fairy tales we have been brainwashed to believe, there is no “and they lived happily ever after”. 

I have seen this in my parent’s marriage while growing up.  Sometimes, it was “and they were happy”.  At times, it was just “and they lived”.  The adjective before the “ever after” changes as they go along life but what’s important is that the word “they” is still there.  They are still together.

Real love is indeed a bed of roses— with thorns in it.  It’s beautiful, it’s inspiring, but it is never without challenges.  The euphoria, happiness, sorrow, and pain all come rolled up together when you love. 

Sometimes, you get severely wounded.  And when you do, there is no fairy to cast a spell to ease the pain, no potions to reverse a curse and no Prince Charming will come to rescue you.  (There is only one guy who will do that for you.  His name is Jesus,  the perfect example of what true love is.)

Relationship is about give and take.

No relationship will last if it is not a give-and-take-relationship.  Both partners must work together to make the relationship work. 

When Mama is angry, Papa’s default defence is staying calm and keeping quiet. It’s not vice versa because Mama has always had a hard time keeping quiet, but in other ways, she understands and gives way to my Papa a lot of times.  She gives much and takes little in other areas of their relationship and I salute her for that.

In their 41 years of relationship, I have seen them take turns being the supporter and being supported.  The sense of balance of this give-and-take principle has always been present in their marriage.

Love is not blind.

The Jewish Rabbi Julius Gordon nailed it when he said that “love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”

When we were young, I remembered Papa playing cards and drinking with his friends until wee hours of the morning.  But I had never seen Mama got mad at him for doing that.  She did not even demand that Papa stop that habit.  She has simply accepted the fact that Papa likes having good times with his friends this way.

Mama, on the other hand, nags relentlessly when you do something wrong or something that displeased her.  Her tongue is sharp and deadly.   That is why I find it amazing that until now Papa can tolerate it!  You will not hear a single word said in retaliation.  My Papa will either keep his silence or walk away.  Now  that’s what you call a superpower!

When you love, it doesn’t really make you blind.  You are aware of every bits and pieces of your partner’s flawed character and idiosyncrasies but you accept him or her nonetheless.  After all, we are all humans.  It is true love that glosses over our shortcomings and makes us all perfectly imperfect in our partner’s eyes.

1 Peter 4:8 commands us to “above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

Sacrifice is the language of love.

My parents’ marriage has survived difficult times and challenging adversities financially and relationally. 

I’ve seen them almost reached their point of break.  But what held them together?  Over the course of 4 decades, I have seen them made a lot of painful sacrifices.  Papa sacrificed being away from us to put food on the table and give us good education.  Mama sacrificed her dreams to take care of our family.  Their whole marriage is all about making sacrifices.  Because sacrifice is the language of love.

Marriage is a commitment.

My parents’ marriage was mired with challenges.  Like most marriages, there were challenges of disciplining rebellious kids, threats of financial scarcity, issues of infidelity, and minor health problems.  Through it all, they stuck together through thick and thin.   

They have shown to us what the word commitment truly means.  They have demonstrated that love and forgiveness go hand in hand together and you must practise it.  Every.  Single.  Day. 

My parents’ complementary personalities bring balance in our family. Together, they taught me that marriage is hard work and when the going gets tough, you stand by your life partner.  You never give up on each other. 

Author Stacey Jay described real love as having “… little to do with falling. It’s a climb up the rocky face of a mountain, hard work, and most people are too selfish or too scared to bother. Very few reach the critical point in their relationship that summons the attention of the light and the dark, that place where they will make a commitment to love no matter what obstacles-or temptations- appear in their path.” The Bible in Colossians 3:14 tells us that to do this we must “… put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity.”

I am tremendously grateful for my Mama and Papa.  Through them, I have been given the gift of life.  And because they have committed to the vow they made 41 years ago, they have given me and my siblings the precious gift of belonging to a family.  Their gift of a happy childhood, secure and  assured that we are always supported, cheered on and loved independent of our status in our lives is invaluable.  Although they are not perfect, through them I had a glimpse of what God is because of the unconditional love and acceptance they have demonstrated all throughout my life.

No matter how messed up my life was or will be, I am assured that my parents will always be there for me.  They had done it so many times for me before and I know, without any tinge of doubt, that they will do it for me and my siblings again and again and again. 

My parents are a wealth of advice to call on when I’m uncertain, uneasy or under stress.  They keep me grounded and will always give me a reality check, telling me things I needed to — but not necessarily I wanted to — hear.

They have passed up great opportunities for the benefit of our family and to build better lives for me and my siblings. 

Thank you, Ma and Pa, for the priceless life lessons you have taught me.  You are God’s best parents for me and my siblings.  By His grace, I look forward to celebrating your anniversaries for decades to come.  May our good Lord keep you healthy and happy together and may He give me the privilege of taking care of you in your twilight years.  To say “I love you very much” is such an understatement.